Starbucks - Drink Sizes

I've noticed a pattern. Whenever a Mexican American, or especially a Mexican Mexican, goes into Starbucks....they always order a "grande".

Crow Canyon Rd.

I've been driving Crow Canyon quite a bit lately. Over the past week, I've seen a HUGE increase in the number of dead raccoons on the road. I'm also seeing a fair amount of dead skunks, wild cats, and the occasional deer.

If I didn't know better, I'd say that in the middle of the night, someone (that owns his own computer business) is going out and placing cans of cat food on the center strip - every mile or so.

AMB Computer Services - "Fighting the world's raccoon problem one can of cat food at a time."

Being Old Will Be Fun

An older customer of mine was watching the A's game while I worked on his laptop. I noticed he was watching a "night game" at one in the afternoon. I asked him if he knew he was watching a replay of last night's game. He did not.

Hooters

If God went to Hooters and ordered a plate of wings, I bet he'd order "all flaps" just like I do.

Sk8ter Girl

Canadian actress-musician Avril Lavigne arrives for the screening of the film 'Over the Hedge,' at the 59th International film festival in Cannes.

1. I’m not going to mention any names (I’ll give you a hint - her name is mentioned in the sentence directly above this one, she’s Canadian and her initials are A.L.) but it looks like someone got a new set of boobies for X-mas.

2. Thank you Lord for finally making someone whiter than me.

You Say Potato, I Say Furtado

I’m not sure which opener I should use…either “Whoa Nelly!” or “Holy Hotness Batman!” Either way, Nelly Furtado has grown up into a beautiful woman!

A couple weeks ago, I heard one of her songs on the radio and I thought to myself “Why did she drop off the face of the earth – I liked her music.” I know that she had a baby but good lord, give it up for adoption already and come back to the music world.

So, as fate would have it, a video comes on VH1 this morning and I’m sitting there thinking, “That kind of looks like Nelly…it kind of sounds like Nelly…but I don’t think it is.”

She used to be an ultra-petite thing that looked like she couldn’t gain weight if she wanted. Now, after a prolonged absence from the public life, she returns 2 feet taller with a bangin’ figure and softer features.

2 thumbs up! I might just have to buy her new album so that I can lick the cover. Would ya! I would! In fact, I’d jump on that like Keith’s mom on a donut cart. By the way, I went over to his mom’s house for a visit – it smelled like an ass-grenade had gone off.

I’m tellin’ ya, I’m getting all kinds of new material for the MTV show “Yo Momma”. Your mom is so stanky, I called her on the phone and she gave me an ear infection! Oh no you didn’t!

That's A Load of Bull

A bull does a somersault after getting its horns stuck in the sand during a bullfight a the Maestranza bull-ring in Seville.

Hey….wait a minute….I’ve seen this before! It was an episode of Bugs Bunny. Yeah, the bull accidentally swallows a gun and each time he slaps his tail, a bullet fires out of his horns. That was some funny shit. And looking back, I'd have to agree with Bugs...he should have taken a left at Albuquerque.

Greenpeace Finally Shows Some

A Greenpeace activist holds up a sign to protest against pulp mill pollution.

So many comments…so little blog space…

1. Why aren’t more Greenpeace protests done like this? They need to hire a permanent crew of Protest Babes.

2. It’s about time Greenpeace started showing a peace. Would ya! I would.

3. I hate to ruin this for the guys out there but… I’ve seen what this girl looks like from the front. Oh….my….god….she’s a double bagger. Most guys know what this is but just in case…a double bagger is when you put a bag over your own face in case the one over hers breaks.

4. What’s a pulp mill? Answer: Who cares? Look at that ass! Would ya? Oh wait, I already used that line.

5. Somewhere in Los Angeles, Kobe Bryant is reading the full article and he’s thinking…I’d jump on that like Jason on a Latin chick.

Paco's Tacos

Is that all you’ve got bendeho? Don’t fuck with the Jason! Dude – I’m not sure what you were thinking but Mexican food isn’t the thread that holds society together. I don’t have a 6 year old sister but if I did, I’m sure she’d be able to master the complexities of burrito making. You really need to bring more to the table.

And another thing, if you’re going to protest, don’t just take a day off from work, take a day off from the resources you suck up. If you’d stop using our schools and hospitals, my insurance and taxes would go down faster than Keith’s mom.

However, I must be admit, I’d do the same thing if I was in your shoes. The Mexican government is corrupt from the top down. The country is run by drug dealers and 50% of your citizens are in poverty. If I had the ability to get my ass over to the U.S. – I would. And since there’s absolutely nothing to stop you…who can blame you?

You pick our vegetables, you take the fast food and janitorial jobs that none of us want. You’ll do anything to survive. I respect that, in fact, I admire you! I just wish you’d quit taking my favorite fishing spot at Lake Chabot. I’ve tried calling INS but they don’t show up until noon and the fish stop biting by then. Lucky for you, I’m willing to overlook this issue since you bring so many beautiful Latinas into the country – they’re really my favorite import……would ya! I would!

Me Love You 5 Times

Our backup server has a log of all backup jobs. It records all failures, all completions, all errors, everything and anything that happens with our server backups.

The job notifications are automatically emailed to a dummy email account that we all have access to. The same information is now stored in 2 places.

Part of my daily routine involves taking this information, either from the server itself, or from the automated email messages, and recording it in a log – place number 3.

I also list everything I do in a daily report. I note any backup jobs that have failed, any errors that I researched, etc. We now have the same information in 4 places.

In case that’s not enough, we had a meeting today to discuss the idea of having the Helpdesk take the same emails that I use and log them into our Ticket Tracking System – place number 5.

I’m not sure what the reasoning is behind all of this madness, but I’m taking bets on where they want the information next. I’ve got 10 to 1 odds on them asking me to tattoo the information on the ass of an albino midget by the end of the month.

Miss Marketing USA

Miss Kentucky, Tara Elizabeth Connor, 20, competes in the swimsuit contest of the Miss USA 2006 pageant in Baltimore. Connor won the pageant and will compete July 23 in the Miss Universe competition in Los Angeles.

Hey, it took a while to bring Cold Stone together with Tim McGraw – but this one is a no brainer! Miss Kentucky should be the spokesperson for KY Jelly. Would ya! I would. Seriously, I should be getting paid for these BRILLIANT marketing ideas.

Oh! Oh! Wait! The light bulb just went off! I can’t figure out how it all goes together but I think there’s a cross-marketing campaign in the making. I’m thinking of Miss Kentucky holding a bottle of KY between her legs, a pint of Cold Stone between her boobs, and Tim McGraw singing “I like her, I love her, I want some more of her.”

Oh wait, flip that. Put the bottle of KY between her boobs and put a pint of “Cherry Pie” between her legs. Brilliant!!!

Gas Prices 101

I’m lazy. I’m the type of guy that waits for the needle to hit “E” before I get gas. At the current cost of $3.00/gallon, it runs me about $50 for a tank of gas. However, I figured out a great way to save money…

Instead of waiting until the last minute, go get gas when you’re tank is only half empty. That way, you only need half as much gas! It’s already working for me, I’m currently saving over $20 per tank.

Word Problems

Associated Press 4-20-06

A college math instructor has apologized for a test question invoking Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice that students complained was racially insensitive.

It began, "Condoleezza holds a watermelon just over the edge of the roof of the 300-foot Federal Building, and tosses it up with a velocity of 20 feet per second." The question then asked students to determine when the watermelon would hit the ground.

The Board of Trustees condemned the wording as insulting to Rice, who is black, because of caricatures of blacks eating watermelon during the days of plantation slavery.

A number of Seattle-area black community leaders demanded Ratener be fired or disciplined.

Editorial Comment:

I guess they wouldn’t have liked my question any better…

Kobe Bryant walks into a room and spots a young blonde girl standing 25 feet away. He begins chasing her at a speed of 9 ft/sec and the girl runs away at a rate of 6 ft/sec. How long does it take before Kobe jumps on her like a brother on a white chick?

Black & Tan

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized to the Irish for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan" -- the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence.

The ice cream, available only in the United States, is based on an ale and stout drink of the same name.

Editorial Comment: Let me see if I understand this….

We stereo-type the Irish as a bunch of short, green, leprechauns that drink all the time… but they don’t take offense to that - it’s our ice cream that bugs ‘em. I think Ireland needs to get laid. At least get a hobby – good lord.

Safety Rugs

Outside of the computer area at work, there’s a safety rug on the ground. Apparently it’s supposed to keep people from slipping if someone drops a banana peel. We get a different rug each week and unfortunately, reading these has become the highlight of my job.

One rug has a picture of a dart board and it says “Always Target Safety”. Another has a picture of some dice and it says, “Never Gamble with Safety”. The rugs are so boring that nobody pays attention to them. They need to spice things up….and that’s where I come in…

How about a secretary with her skirt around her ankles, impatiently waiting while her boss puts on a condom? The boss says “Safety Comes First – You Cum Second.”

Got a better idea? Submit a comment!

What Came First

We all know the question…

What came first? The chicken? Or the egg?

I would like to propose an updated version…

What came first? Cold Stone? Or Tim McGraw?

Cold Stone sells ice cream in the following sizes:

Like it! Love it! Gotta Have it!

Tim McGraw sings a song that goes:

I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.

Am I the only one that sees a BRILLIANT marketing campaign if we could get Tim McGraw to join forces with Cold Stone?

Footnotes:

1. I had the choice of posting a picture of Cold Stone or Tim McGraw…so naturally I opted for Tim’s babe-o-rama wife…Faith Hill.

2. Getting back to our original question…if I had the chance to hook up with Faith Hill, I believe that I would cum first.

Lotto Rapist

Your Honor, I would like to enter the following story into evidence as Exhibit A in the case of The [Agnostic] People vs. Organized Religion.

LONDON (Reuters) - The elderly victim of a convicted rapist lost a legal bid Wednesday to make the attacker pay compensation after he won millions in Britain's national lottery while in prison.

Iorworth Hoare, dubbed the "Lotto Rapist" by the media, had no money when he went to jail for life in 1989. He spent 16 years in jail and while on weekend leave from prison in 2004 he bought a lottery ticket which netted him $12.29 million. [Quick question - why is a serial rapist (pictured above) allowed “weekend leave” while in prison?]

His 77-year-old victim had argued Hoare should be made to pay for his "violent and disgusting sexual assault" that left her mentally scarred. But the appeal was rejected.

At a previous High Court case, a judge ruled Hoare did not have to pay compensation because the woman had made her appeal outside the normal six-year time limit to sue for damages. The judges Wednesday said they were bound to that decision.

Mrs A -- who cannot be named for legal reasons -- says she still suffers from the mental torture she endured from serial rapist Hoare's brutal assault on her. Mrs. A was 59 when Hoare attacked her as she walked in a park in broad daylight in February 1988.

Hoare was guilty of a series of sexual assaults on women, including at least two rapes, and was jailed for life in 1989 for the attempted rape of Mrs A.

She did not sue him for damages at the time because he had no money and any judgment would have been worthless. She received 5,000 pounds from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I conclude that based on this evidence alone – there cannot be a God.

Poker

With the poker craze in full swing, I must air two of my biggest frustrations:

1. Just once, I’d like to see a poker scene in a movie or TV show, that doesn’t involve someone folding their cards and announcing “too rich for my blood”. I dare you, try to find one – you can’t, it’s impossible. Besides that, what the hell does it mean??? Unless you’re diabetic and someone bets a cheesecake, I’m not sure it makes sense.

2. Just once, I’d like to have this woman on the poker table when I announce “ALL IN”. Would ya! I would. In fact, I’d show her the biggest pair she’s ever seen! Oh my, when will this whacky word play end?

Peter Pan?

A model presents an outfit during fashion week in Mexico City April 6, 2006.

This little number can be worn when seeking out gang rape or when you’re looking to cause traffic accidents.

We recommend accessorizing it with mace and stun gun.

Krispy Kremes

A guy at work brought in 2 dozen Krispy Kreme donuts today. They were great but...they were almost too sweet. Seriously, they were covered with more glazed frosting than a porn star at a gang bang.