Me Love You 5 Times

Our backup server has a log of all backup jobs. It records all failures, all completions, all errors, everything and anything that happens with our server backups.

The job notifications are automatically emailed to a dummy email account that we all have access to. The same information is now stored in 2 places.

Part of my daily routine involves taking this information, either from the server itself, or from the automated email messages, and recording it in a log – place number 3.

I also list everything I do in a daily report. I note any backup jobs that have failed, any errors that I researched, etc. We now have the same information in 4 places.

In case that’s not enough, we had a meeting today to discuss the idea of having the Helpdesk take the same emails that I use and log them into our Ticket Tracking System – place number 5.

I’m not sure what the reasoning is behind all of this madness, but I’m taking bets on where they want the information next. I’ve got 10 to 1 odds on them asking me to tattoo the information on the ass of an albino midget by the end of the month.

Miss Marketing USA

Miss Kentucky, Tara Elizabeth Connor, 20, competes in the swimsuit contest of the Miss USA 2006 pageant in Baltimore. Connor won the pageant and will compete July 23 in the Miss Universe competition in Los Angeles.

Hey, it took a while to bring Cold Stone together with Tim McGraw – but this one is a no brainer! Miss Kentucky should be the spokesperson for KY Jelly. Would ya! I would. Seriously, I should be getting paid for these BRILLIANT marketing ideas.

Oh! Oh! Wait! The light bulb just went off! I can’t figure out how it all goes together but I think there’s a cross-marketing campaign in the making. I’m thinking of Miss Kentucky holding a bottle of KY between her legs, a pint of Cold Stone between her boobs, and Tim McGraw singing “I like her, I love her, I want some more of her.”

Oh wait, flip that. Put the bottle of KY between her boobs and put a pint of “Cherry Pie” between her legs. Brilliant!!!

Gas Prices 101

I’m lazy. I’m the type of guy that waits for the needle to hit “E” before I get gas. At the current cost of $3.00/gallon, it runs me about $50 for a tank of gas. However, I figured out a great way to save money…

Instead of waiting until the last minute, go get gas when you’re tank is only half empty. That way, you only need half as much gas! It’s already working for me, I’m currently saving over $20 per tank.

Word Problems

Associated Press 4-20-06

A college math instructor has apologized for a test question invoking Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice that students complained was racially insensitive.

It began, "Condoleezza holds a watermelon just over the edge of the roof of the 300-foot Federal Building, and tosses it up with a velocity of 20 feet per second." The question then asked students to determine when the watermelon would hit the ground.

The Board of Trustees condemned the wording as insulting to Rice, who is black, because of caricatures of blacks eating watermelon during the days of plantation slavery.

A number of Seattle-area black community leaders demanded Ratener be fired or disciplined.

Editorial Comment:

I guess they wouldn’t have liked my question any better…

Kobe Bryant walks into a room and spots a young blonde girl standing 25 feet away. He begins chasing her at a speed of 9 ft/sec and the girl runs away at a rate of 6 ft/sec. How long does it take before Kobe jumps on her like a brother on a white chick?

Black & Tan

DUBLIN (Reuters) - Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized to the Irish for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan" -- the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence.

The ice cream, available only in the United States, is based on an ale and stout drink of the same name.

Editorial Comment: Let me see if I understand this….

We stereo-type the Irish as a bunch of short, green, leprechauns that drink all the time… but they don’t take offense to that - it’s our ice cream that bugs ‘em. I think Ireland needs to get laid. At least get a hobby – good lord.

Safety Rugs

Outside of the computer area at work, there’s a safety rug on the ground. Apparently it’s supposed to keep people from slipping if someone drops a banana peel. We get a different rug each week and unfortunately, reading these has become the highlight of my job.

One rug has a picture of a dart board and it says “Always Target Safety”. Another has a picture of some dice and it says, “Never Gamble with Safety”. The rugs are so boring that nobody pays attention to them. They need to spice things up….and that’s where I come in…

How about a secretary with her skirt around her ankles, impatiently waiting while her boss puts on a condom? The boss says “Safety Comes First – You Cum Second.”

Got a better idea? Submit a comment!

What Came First

We all know the question…

What came first? The chicken? Or the egg?

I would like to propose an updated version…

What came first? Cold Stone? Or Tim McGraw?

Cold Stone sells ice cream in the following sizes:

Like it! Love it! Gotta Have it!

Tim McGraw sings a song that goes:

I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.

Am I the only one that sees a BRILLIANT marketing campaign if we could get Tim McGraw to join forces with Cold Stone?

Footnotes:

1. I had the choice of posting a picture of Cold Stone or Tim McGraw…so naturally I opted for Tim’s babe-o-rama wife…Faith Hill.

2. Getting back to our original question…if I had the chance to hook up with Faith Hill, I believe that I would cum first.

Lotto Rapist

Your Honor, I would like to enter the following story into evidence as Exhibit A in the case of The [Agnostic] People vs. Organized Religion.

LONDON (Reuters) - The elderly victim of a convicted rapist lost a legal bid Wednesday to make the attacker pay compensation after he won millions in Britain's national lottery while in prison.

Iorworth Hoare, dubbed the "Lotto Rapist" by the media, had no money when he went to jail for life in 1989. He spent 16 years in jail and while on weekend leave from prison in 2004 he bought a lottery ticket which netted him $12.29 million. [Quick question - why is a serial rapist (pictured above) allowed “weekend leave” while in prison?]

His 77-year-old victim had argued Hoare should be made to pay for his "violent and disgusting sexual assault" that left her mentally scarred. But the appeal was rejected.

At a previous High Court case, a judge ruled Hoare did not have to pay compensation because the woman had made her appeal outside the normal six-year time limit to sue for damages. The judges Wednesday said they were bound to that decision.

Mrs A -- who cannot be named for legal reasons -- says she still suffers from the mental torture she endured from serial rapist Hoare's brutal assault on her. Mrs. A was 59 when Hoare attacked her as she walked in a park in broad daylight in February 1988.

Hoare was guilty of a series of sexual assaults on women, including at least two rapes, and was jailed for life in 1989 for the attempted rape of Mrs A.

She did not sue him for damages at the time because he had no money and any judgment would have been worthless. She received 5,000 pounds from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I conclude that based on this evidence alone – there cannot be a God.

Poker

With the poker craze in full swing, I must air two of my biggest frustrations:

1. Just once, I’d like to see a poker scene in a movie or TV show, that doesn’t involve someone folding their cards and announcing “too rich for my blood”. I dare you, try to find one – you can’t, it’s impossible. Besides that, what the hell does it mean??? Unless you’re diabetic and someone bets a cheesecake, I’m not sure it makes sense.

2. Just once, I’d like to have this woman on the poker table when I announce “ALL IN”. Would ya! I would. In fact, I’d show her the biggest pair she’s ever seen! Oh my, when will this whacky word play end?

Peter Pan?

A model presents an outfit during fashion week in Mexico City April 6, 2006.

This little number can be worn when seeking out gang rape or when you’re looking to cause traffic accidents.

We recommend accessorizing it with mace and stun gun.