Faster Than a Corvette

No, the bear in this picture is NOT faster than a Corvette………but I am!

The newest Corvette goes from 0 to 60 in less than 6 seconds.

If I ever see a bear charging me in real life…

…I’ll go from 0 to SHIT-MY-PANTS in 2 seconds flat.

My Ears Are Aiken

MSN Radio - the greatest thing since sliced bread. It allows me to listen to dozens of internet radio stations for free. The one I like the most is the "Top 40 Hits". It has a blend of pop, rap, and even some crossover country. What I don't like is when they play Clay Aiken Christmas songs a month after X-mas.

When they follow up Kanye's "Gold Digger" with Clay Aiken, it pretty much kills whatever mood you're in. And naturally, nobody walks up to your desk when Gold Digger is playing, they walk up when the twirp from American Idol is on.

Listening to Clay is like wearing a scarlet letter - it's a positive confirmation of homosexuality.

I'm not gay I tell ya! It's not me! I can't control what songs they play! I listen to this station for the Beyonce songs - I swear!!!

Yeah......sure you do....white boy.

Color Me Bad

This just in!

The color purple - OUT!

The color red - OUT!

Stripes - OUT!

My buddy Steve - OUT! (of the closet)

My new favorite color....drum roll please....

Lebanese Boobs! - Oh so totally IN!

Sure Cure For Hiccups

Bogota, Colombia - Police say a Colombian man accidentally shot his nephew to death while trying to cure his hiccups by pointing a revolver at him to scare him.

After shooting 21-year-old David Galvan in the neck, his uncle, Rafael Vargas, 35, was so distraught he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide, police said.

The incident took place on Sunday night while the two were having drinks with neighbors.

Editorial Comment: And hence, the name for my blog... Natural Selection – Survival of the Fittest. Nothing thins the heard faster than idiots armed with guns.

Quite Handy

I bet she gives the best handjobs on the planet.

And that reminds me of an old joke...

What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Answer: Beef Stroganoff

Today Is A New Day

It may be a new day but my favorite color is still STRIPES!

Thanks to Jodie Marsh, stripes are back in fashion. But ask yourself, were they really ever gone?

This is clearly the longest I've ever stuck with a "color" but I tell ya, stripes are here to stay...at least until tomorrow...YEAH BABY, YEAH!

Favorite Color of The Week

This just in! Thanks to Miss South Carolina...my new favorite color is stripes!

However, after seeing Scarlett Johansson in Match Point this weekend, there will always be a place in my heart for red.

If you haven't seen Match Point, I highly recommend it. One thumb up! Unfortunately, Laura didn't like it nearly as much. For some reason, the plot (a man cheating on his wife) didn't exactly grab her. I'll never figure women out.

Panda Sex

For the past several years, I’ve been writing a Kama Sutra book for Panda Bears. During my daily search for pictures of Panda sex, I found this little gem. It will be perfect for chapter 12. I call this position the “Reverse Bamboo Shoot”.

My Morning

I like to think that we all learn something new everyday.

Today, I learned that I don't enjoy starting my day by spilling coffee all over my desk. I also learned that I don't enjoy cleaning it off my keyboard, my monitor, and everything else you find on a normal desk. I learned that I don't like it when I rush into work to meet a vendor at 8am and he calls in the middle of my coffee spill and informs me that he'll be at least an hour late. Die vendor die.

Cheerleader Gets Probation

A former Carolina Panthers cheerleader got six months' probation for her role in a bathroom brawl sparked by accusations that she was having sex with another cheerleader.

Angela Keathley, 26, pleaded guilty Wednesday to disorderly conduct and obstructing a police officer during the Nov. 6 fight, which broke out when women in line to use the bathroom made the allegations about Keathley and fellow cheerleader Victoria Renee Thomas.

The Panthers fired the pair for violating a signed code that bans conduct embarrassing to the Panthers.

Editorial Comment: What is this world coming to when we look down upon two cheerleaders expressing their love for one another in an overcrowded bathroom? Isn’t there a constitutional amendment that guarantees the right to tongue some taco on the toilet? There isn’t? Well…there should be!

New Favorite Color - RED!

This just in!

Red is the new purple!

Thanks to Scarlett Johansson...

...my new favorite color is RED!

Despite my previous blog...

...purple is sooooo yesterday.

Point Reyes - Tule Elk Reserve

A couple weeks ago, Laura and I hiked the Tule Elk Reserve at Point Reyes (click here). Point Reyes is located on the coast just north of Marin. It's an incredible area to hike. In addition to the ocean views, they have several species of deer - including black tail, axis, and fallow (click here).

The fallow deer look like albino caribou. I saw some as we were driving up to the visitors center but they were just over the top of a hill. From my angle, all I saw were white backs with large racks - it confused me. I thought that I was seeing sheep on steroids or white elk...I assumed I was going crazy. But sure enough, Mr. Park Ranger showed us some pictures and I learned about the fallow deer.

We hiked about 5 miles and took some incredible pictures. Unfortunately, my digital camera isn't up to the task of photographing elk that are a hundred yards away. That being the case, you're left with a picture of me and Laura...

The Color Purple

This just in!


Purple is my new favorite color!


Whoopi Goldberg ain’t got nothin’ on this!


Stay tuned for next weeks’ color: Periwinkle!

Who Can Blame the Guy?

Never let it be said that Nick Lachey isn't in touch with his feminine side. Jessica Simpson's estranged, sports-loving husband 'fesses up to knowing all too well that her boots really are made for walking.

"Sometimes I did walk in her shoes," Nick, 32, tells Elle magazine. "It was sort of a kinky thing we liked to get into."

Editorial comment: This is news??? Every man on this planet would like to get into her pants – so who can blame Nick for getting into her shoes? Like I’ve always said, you have to start somewhere and work your way up.

2006 Predictions

1. Angelina Jolie’s baby will look exactly like me - but it won’t whine nearly as much.

2. Paris Hilton will release yet another sex video. As a follow-up to her first tape “One Night in Paris”, she will do a threesome with two men at a medieval costume party, it will be called “Two Knights in Paris”.

3. Ricky Martin will come out with his own reality show, it will be called “Livin’ La Vida Homo”

4. Anna Kournikova and Enrique Iglesias will have a private sex tape stolen and released on the internet. It will be called “A Banana in The Canna of Anna”.

5. Jennifer Anniston will have a child by the end of the year. It will look exactly like me - but it won't whine nearly as much.

Mr. Happy

I'd like to take credit for these gems but they were simply collected from the internet...

My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.

My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.

My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.

My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.

My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.

My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.

My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.

My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.

My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.

My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.

My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.

My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.

My dick is so big, it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.

My dick is so big, that when I fly, it has to take the train.

My dick is so big, it’s a Weapon of Ass Destruction!

My dick is so big, when I fall down, I fuck everyone in China.

My dick is so big, it has a Dick Traffic Control tower.

My dick is so big, when I was circumcised they applied the antiseptic with a paint roller.

My dick is so big, Vanilla Ice sampled it in one of his songs.

My dick is so big, if I acted in a movie, my dick and I would easily win Best On-Screen Duo.

My dick is so big, I was banned from the PGA for having too many woods in my bag.

My dick is so big, there's a sign half way to the head that says "4 hour wait from this spot."

My dick is so big, if I stop too fast I might jack-knife.

Hammer Time!

"Fountain", a famous artwork consisting of a ceramic urinal made by French-US artist Marcel Duchamp, has been damaged while on display in Paris's Pompidou Centre by an elderly vandal armed with a hammer, the museum and police said.

The sculpture was slightly chipped and fractured in the attack Wednesday by the 77-year-old man, who was taken into custody and presented to a judge Thursday.

Editorial Comment: If I was taken into custody each time my “hammer” accidentally chipped a urinal, I’d be doing the backdoor boogie at San Quentin right now. I don’t want to brag but …my dick is so big that it won’t return Spielberg’s calls. That reminds me! I have a huge list of dick jokes that I can post – would ya!

Bird Flu

Does anyone else find it ironic that Turkey is fighting the Bird Flu?

Gym IQ

Well folks, I went to the gym tonight and here’s how it went....

First, my trainer was sick and had to leave early. He apologized by giving me a case of deodorant – 36 sticks. I think I’ll give them away at Halloween.

Next, I saw a bald teenager with a t-shirt that went past his knees. I guess his weekly KKK meeting had just let out and he didn’t have time to change. He actually had to pull his shirt up around his waist in order to pedal the bike. I checked his forehead for a lobotomy scar but couldn’t find one. We’ll chalk this up to youth.

After this, I saw an older woman that thought she could hear the TV by doing something on her exercise machine. I guess she thought her heart rate needed to match the FM frequency listed next to the TV. I checked her forehead for a lobotomy scar but couldn’t find one. We’ll chalk this up to age.

Finally, I saw a beautiful young woman wearing a pink t-shirt with matching sweats….and pug boots. Pug boots at the gym??? I suppose these are appropriate if you’re exercising outside…IN ALASKA! I checked her forehead for a lobotomy scar and she slapped me. We’ll chalk this one up to lesbianism.

Kristen Davis

This just in! The people have spoken (just me) and Kristen Davis has been voted as “The Woman That I Would Most Like to Boink If I Wasn’t Already in a Great Relationship with The Most Sweet, Caring, and Beautiful Woman in the World.” Yes, this is an award that has been coveted by many, but there can only be one winner. (Please note: Stroking my girlfriend’s ego was the only way I could get away with announcing this award. If needed, please send me a self addressed stamped envelope and I will gladly mail you a vomit bag.)

Yes indeed, Kristen makes my Boink-O-Meter peg out. If I was a single celebrity and had millions of dollars, there’s no doubt in my mind that I could bag this babe. At the age of 40, Kristen looks better than many women half her age. All men hope their wives will age as wonderfully as Kristen has. (I just looked online and it appears that I can use the word “wonderfully” without being classified as gay….but its close.)

Kristen – if you were a hamburger, you’d be a McBeautiful.

Mudslide Training

Here we see a polar bear training her young cub. When upright, a mature polar bear stands over 14 feet tall and its razor sharp claws can reach over 6 feet. This behavior has been known to create a mudslide in the shorts of anyone that encounters it.

Biologists have affectionately named the cub “Turd Ferguson”.

Fat Cat

Situation: Your cat is wider than its food bowl.

You should…

A. Buy a bigger bowl

B. Buy mice for the cat to chase

C. Buy a dog to chase the cat

D. Start the cat on a diet

E. Start your own diet of cat jerky

Mozart

Question: Have scientists found Mozart's skull?

Answer: Researchers said Tuesday they'll reveal the results of DNA tests in a documentary film airing this weekend on Austrian television.

Comments: I’m sorry but that’s not the response we were looking for. The correct answer is “Who gives a fuck?”

Von Ryan's Express

I was watching the classic war movie “Von Ryan’s Express”, starring old blue eyes himself – Mr. Frank Sinatra. In the movie, Frank’s character leads a train of escaped prisoners out of Germany, hence the movie’s title.

During a commercial break, an advertisement comes on for the “Pasta Express”. Do you know how many times I’ve watched Von Ryan’s Express and wished that I had a pasta maker that was equally as fast! Marketing the Pasta Express during Von Ryan’s Express is….dare I say…BRILLIANT!