Weekly Horoscope

Weekly Horoscope
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

SCORPIO
October 23-November 21

You're in for a wonderful week dear Scorpio - or possibly not. You'll probably get the raise that you've been waiting for, but if you don't, you'll definitely be disappointed. You'll soon discover that love is in the air. A new relationship will blossom for either you or a friend, or possibly a family member, or maybe a friend of a family member.

On the other hand, don't be surprised if you begin feeling introverted this week. As Mars and Jupiter begin their alignment, the Hubble telescope will be nearing Uranus. Hubble is expected to produce vivid pictures of a black hole surrounded by interstellar gas. As a result, you're likely to feel a bit reclusive. If this happens, simply rent a good movie and relax - you might consider watching "2001: A Space Odyssey".

New Drum Set

New Drum Set
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

I already know what you're thinking. You think that Michael has finally taken his plastic surgeries too far. Well my friend, you're absolutely.....wrong. His breast implants are borderline genius, and here's why...

Michael is rumored to have undergone more than 50 surgeries on his nose. If you've seen any of his recent close-ups, you've seen that his nose looks like something made from Silly Putty. Seriously, it looks like he caulks a prosthetic onto his face each morning.

Anyway, it's pretty obvious why he had the boob job; it was to distract people from noticing his Mr. Potato Head nose. You know I'm right. Admit it, when you first saw this picture, he could have been missing his nose, his eyes, and both ears - you wouldn't have noticed.

But now that I think about it, he might have done it to lure little boys into his bed - it's really hard to tell with him.

Unfortunately, you know that none of his employees will tell him the truth. I'm sure Michael asks his body guards, "How do I look?". Naturally, since they're all a bunch "yes men", they tell him, "You're one sexy bitch Michael.....one sexy ass bitch!"

Holy Communion

Holy Communion
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

August 19, 2004
Rueters, New Jersey

An 8-year-old girl who suffers from a rare digestive disorder and cannot eat wheat has had her first Holy Communion declared invalid because the wafer contained no wheat, violating Roman Catholic doctrine.

Church doctrine holds that Communion wafers, like the bread served at the Last Supper, must have at least some unleavened wheat. Church leaders are reluctant to change anything about the sacrament.

Ohhhhh, now I see. It's ok to molest little boys, but heaven forbid we substitute a rice wafer for a wheat one- what the hell was I thinking?

With regard to the numerous child molesting charges against the Catholic Church, did you know that they're about to top 1 BILLION DOLLARS in lost trials and settlements? A billion dollars! Do you realize how many kids they must've abused in order to reach that amount? And that doesn't include the thousands of victims that are too ashamed to come forward.

And where do you think they get this money from? That's right, they molest your child and then pay you off with your own money. Just amazing.

Wild Boars

Wild Boars
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 20, 2004

Berlin - Alarmed motorists in Berlin called police after a pack of 28 wild boars took to a quiet street in search of food.

Bystanders described how the animals crossed the road in single file, grunting hungrily as they searched for a breakfast snack early on Thursday morning.

"The animals must've come from the nearby forest hunting for something to eat," a police spokesman said. "They had run out of food so they headed in the direction of people."

Police vehicles closed off the surrounding area and guided the animals back to the woods.

Needless to say, with all of those families stuck in traffic, at least one kid must have asked, "Are we there yet? I'm bored."

Oh common! You saw it coming! I'm starting to feel like Henny Youngman.

Pig Sticker

Pig Sticker
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 19th, 2004

Please note: the following story is quite graphic. Seriously, read at your own risk.

West Palm Beach, Florida - An appeals court has granted a new trial to a man convicted of stabbing a potbellied pig, then blurting out in drunkenness that he wanted pork chops.

Edwin Deason, 45, was convicted of two counts of felony cruelty to animals in March 2003.

His attorney had argued that a neighbor, Bob Wehrheim, was the one who plunged a rusty knife into the pig, severing a main nerve and forcing county Animal Care and Control workers to euthanize the 50-pound animal.

Wow, I can't even START to wrap my mind around this one. Let's try to put this in perspective.

In the United States alone, according to records published by the USDA, we killed just under 9 BILLION chickens in 2001. That's an average of 24.6 MILLION chickens per day. Think about it, with a national population of roughly 300 million people, we easily consume 25 MILLION chickens per day.

In addition to the chickens, we killed 40 MILLION cows in 2001, or roughly 110,000 per day. And if it makes you feel any better, not all of these were cows, some of them were calves. Or didn't you know where veal comes from?

We also slaughtered 113 MILLION pigs at an average of 310 thousand per day. We gobbled up 308 MILLION turkeys and 28 MILLION ducks.

Now let's get down to the details. Do you know how chickens are killed? They're hung upside down by their feet, that way, when you cut their heads off, all of the blood will drain out. Oh, and let's not forget about the BILLIONS of unborn chickens that are scrambled up for breakfast each morning.

Speaking of eggs, would you like that with a side of bacon, sausage, or ham? It doesn't matter what you choose, they all come from the same hog.

Let's move on to beef. Does anyone know how cows get to heaven? There's a couple of different ways. In some slaughter houses, they cut the cow's throat with a machete. Since they're still alive when this happens (and quite panicked I might add), most of their blood is pumped out through their jugular as they "dance" around gasping for air.

But let's be fair to the cattle industry, they've agreed that the previously described method of slaughter is a bit too cruel. Instead of a machete, some slaughter houses shoot the cow in the back of the head with a large bolt. They claim that it's more humane, and truth be told, they're probably right. However, they don't really do it for the sake of the animal; they do it because a scared cow produces hormones that change the taste of the meat. Can you believe that? No joke. Between the time they cut the cow's throat, and the 10 to 20 seconds it takes for the cow to die, the scared cow actually produces enough hormones to change the taste of the meat. Hence, we use a bolt instead.

Anyway, I guess I just don't understand how a society that thrives on killing animals, can prosecute someone for stabbing a pig?

Was it a magic pig? Was it a descendant of Miss Piggy? Was it the pig from Charlotte's Web? Common, throw me a bone (or at least a pork shoulder roast).

If this guy would've been a member of a religious cult, he could have officially sacrificed the pig in the exact same manner and there wouldn't have been any problems.

Here's an idea, lets have one set of standards. If you'll start arresting fat women that order the 25-piece Chicken McNuggets at McDonalds, I'll start supporting felony prosecutions of men that stick pigs.

Motion To Dismiss

Motion To Dismiss
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 19th, 2004

Oklahoma City, OK - An Oklahoma judge facing removal over charges that he masturbated and used a device for enhancing erections under his robes during trials said on Wednesday he would retire from the bench.

Creek County District Judge Donald Thompson, 57, wrote to Oklahoma Gov. Brad Henry resigning effective Sept. 1, a move that will allow him to retire with a full pension.

A former state representative and a judge for 22 years, Thompson was accused by state Attorney General Drew Edmondson of using a "penis pump" to enhance erections during trials and exposing himself to a court reporter several times while masturbating on the bench.

When confronted by County officials, Judge Thompson declared that he was simply warming up his gavel hand.

It should also be noted that during Judge Thompson's 22 years of service, he oversaw 745 trials. 80 of those trials ended with a hung jury, 580 ended with a hung judge.

Me So Horny

Me So Horny
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 18th, 2004

A white-tail buck stands in the field of Rodney and Dianne Miller's farm in Pennsylvania.

Jeffrey Spence, a deer breeder, was charged Friday, Aug. 13, 2004, with stealing the massive buck worth perhaps hundreds of thousands of dollars from breeder Rodney Miller nearly five years ago.

Wow, if I could get this sucker stuffed and mounted on the wall, I could get rid of my artificial X-mas tree. I could hang ornaments, candy canes, and even tinsel from his rack.

Hey, what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars per bag, deer nuts are under a buck.

What's In a Name

What's In a Name
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why, whenever I fill out a form, I'm asked to put my last name first, my first name second, and my middle name last. I think this might be a plot of the man to keep the brother down!

Oh, let me guess, last names are considered more diversified than first names? What if I managed a Taco Bell? Everyone would be filed under Martinez or Rodriguez. Have you checked the list of employees at your local Chinese restaurant? There'd be more Wangs and Wongs than you could shake a chop stick at.

Anyway, I can't take it any longer. I'm fighting back! I'm filing for an official name change. I'm changing my last name to Jason, my first name to Charles, and my middle name to Tracey. That way, when I fill out those friggin' forms, I can put my name down as Jason Charles Tracey - game over!

Please note: my name change isn't official, I'm still debating on changing my first name to "Stud-Muffin".....Jason "Stud-Muffin" Tracey.....it has a nice ring to it.

Costco Caskets

Costco Caskets
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 18th, 2004

From the cradle to the grave. You can buy baby food, groceries, computers, furniture and a whole host of things at Costco -- now you can even find caskets at some of its stores.

The world's largest warehouse club announced Tuesday that it has begun a test program that offers caskets at two of its Chicago area stores.

Washington-based Costco Wholesale Corp., known for selling most of its products in bulk quantities, said the two stores are now offering 6 different models of steel caskets that are made by Universal Casket Co. based in Michigan.

"We are just trying to offer value to our customers, just like everything else that we do," said Gina Bianchi, a Costco spokeswoman. "The idea definitely takes some getting used to, but if you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Many of our customers are buying groceries for large families or even for small businesses. With this in mind, the caskets were designed as a convenient carrying case for both groceries and people. Many people are placing the caskets on our flat carts and then using them as shopping carts. Costco employees will then assist you in loading your CFG (Casket Full of Groceries) into your station wagon or SUV."

"We're quite excited about the positive feedback we've received."

"Numerous customers have said that the caskets make great food lockers. Then, when a rich relative passes away, they celebrate by preparing a large meal. Naturally, this empties the casket- then it's ready for Aunt Sally."

Beer Drinking Bear

Beer Drinking Bear
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 18th, 2004

Washington - When state Fish and Wildlife agents recently found a black bear passed out on the lawn at Baker Lake Resort, there were some clues scattered nearby - dozens of empty cans of Rainier Beer.

The bear apparently got into campers' coolers and used his claws and teeth to puncture the cans. And not just any cans.

"He drank the Rainier and wouldn't drink the Busch beer," said Lisa Broxson, bookkeeper at the campground and cabins resort.

Fish and Wildlife enforcement Sgt. Bill Heinck said the bear did try one can of Busch, but ignored the rest. "He didn't like that Busch beer and near as we can tell, he consumed about 36 cans of Rainier."

A wildlife agent tried to chase the bear from the campground but the animal just climbed a tree to sleep it off for another four hours. Agents finally herded the bear away, but it returned the next morning.

Agents then used a large, humane trap to capture it for relocation, baiting the trap with the usual: doughnuts, honey and, in this case, two open cans of Rainier. That did the trick.

"This is a new one on me," Heinck said. "I've known them to get into cans, but nothing like this. And it definitely had a preference."

When later interviewed, a tourist that saw the whole thing said, "If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it. Who would have thought that a bear could have a preference when it comes to beer? At first, I thought it was just a coincidence. Then I saw him drink a can of Busch Beer. As soon as he finished it, he started licking his ass - probably trying to kill the taste in his mouth. That's when I knew for sure, this bear definitely has a preference."

Please note: despite the use of doughnuts, no policemen were captured or killed during the relocation of the bear.

Yellow Pages

Yellow Pages
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 16, 2004

Roseburg, Oregon. - A man reclaimed his title as world champion phone book ripper by tearing through 39 Portland white page directories in three minutes.

About 100 people watched as Ed Charon, 69, ripped the 1,004-page books in half during the exhibition at the Roseburg Valley Mall.

Let's see if we can put this in perspective...

When I get a credit card application in the mail, I'm lucky if I can rip it in half more than once. After that, it gets put through the shredder. On the flip side, whenever this guy finds a phone book on his doorstep, he rips it in half and tosses it in the recycle bin.

That does it; I can no longer consider myself a man. Going forward, please refer to me as weenie boy, captain limp wrist, or girlie man.

White Like Mike

White Like Mike
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 16, 2004

Michael Jackson, with sisters LaToya and Janet, leave the courthouse during a lunch break in a pretrial hearing in Michael Jackson's molestation case in Santa Maria, CA.

Good lord, I haven't seen this much white fabric since the 1985 National Pimp Convention in Detroit, Michigan. Here's a tip, the next time you and your sisters leave the house, look at a box of Rice Crispies. If Snap, Crackle, and Pop look better than you do, it's time to change your clothes.

And what's with the white tape on your fingers? Did you cut yourself again? What did I tell you about reaching over the fence at the local pre-school?

Jelly Belly

Jelly Belly
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 16th, 2004

San Francisco - Two armed men robbed the Jelly Belly factory north of San Francisco, making off with cash but none of the jelly beans. Two masked men entered the factory after the close of business on Tuesday as the staff was counting the daily receipts from the visitor's center.

Luckily, the stolen cash was offset by the increased production of brown jelly beans found in the employees' shorts.

Cops and Porn

Cops and Porn
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 16, 2004

London - Two British policemen have been suspended from duty after a newspaper reported they had been filmed enjoying the attentions of porn stars while they were supposed to be on patrol.

The two policemen, aged 30 and 34, had been called to calm down a crowd that had spotted a pornographic movie being filmed in a street in London's Soho district.

But the officers talked their way into the film crew's van and allowed the two female stars to perform a sex act on them, while the crew secretly rolled the cameras, the paper said.

"I was just expecting them to want their photo taken with the girls or get an autograph," the paper quoted the film's director, Marino Franchi, as saying. "It was unbelievable. They just decided to have their very own private porn movie while on the job."

So let me get this straight (no pun intended), it was ok when Clinton received a BJ in the Oval Office, but it's not ok for a couple of cops to do the same thing? I can see it now, somewhere down the road, their attorney will reference the precedence set by the U.S. vs. Clinton.

Bush-ism # 2

Bush-ism # 2
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 4th, 2004

Washington - President Bush offered up a new entry for his catalog of "Bushisms" on Thursday, declaring that his administration will "never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people."

Bush misspoke as he delivered a speech at the signing ceremony for a $417 billion defense spending bill.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Bush said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Olympic Water Polo

Olympic Water Polo
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 13th, 2004

Russian water polo player Maria Yaina prepares for team training at the Athens Olympic Aquatic centre on August 13, 2004. The water polo competition starts on August 15.

THIS is a team I can stand behind.

Blazing Bunny

Blazing Bunny
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 13th, 2004

London - A rabbit set alight by a bonfire at a cricket club got its revenge when it ran burning into a hut and set it ablaze destroying costly equipment.

Members of the cricket club were burning dead branches when a rabbit hiding in the brush pile sped burning from the flames spreading a fire which destroyed lawnmowers and tools worth $110,000.

"After it had been going 5 minutes, the rabbit shot out of the bonfire on fire and went into the hut where our equipment is stored." club chairman John Bedbrook told Reuters.

Two fire engines were called to extinguish the blaze. The rabbit's skeleton was discovered in the charred hut.

Journalism has hit an all-time low. News Corporations have resorted to recycling old cartoons. I'm tellin' ya, this isn't a real story, it's an episode from the Looney Toons. I think I remember this one. Elmer Fudd is trying to catch Bugs Bunny but Bugs is hiding in his hole. Elmer Fudd tries to smoke him out with a fire. Bugs' tail catches on fire, he runs through Elmer Fudd's house and burns it down. Elmer Fudd calls the fire department and an ACME fire truck shows up.

Next week we'll probably read a story about a bewildered hunter that doesn't know if its duck season, rabbit season, or baseball season.

Tropical Storms

Tropical Storms
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Is this really a weather map? It looks more like a golf course.

Tropical Storm Bonnie is fairly straight but Tropical Storm Charlie has a severe dogleg to the right. As always, Cuba is out of bounds.

And while we're on the subject, the white spots could even plot my drives. You'll notice that on Charlie, the second white dot is only about 20 yards from the tee area. Yeah, that's about right. I love putting a charge into my drives and watching them dribble 10 yards past the ladies tee.

Orangutan

Orangutan
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

This is what happens when orangutans start doing drugs at an early age. It all starts out harmlessly enough, but pretty soon, that "casual" high turns into addiction. The next thing you know, you've been ostracized from the clan and you start supporting your habit by turning tricks downtown.

If I've seen it once, I've seen it a hundred times.

Clearly, society has failed this little guy.

Tipping

Tipping
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Is it possible that tipping has gone too far? In the old days, we used to tip our waiters and waitresses. Nowadays, everywhere you go, there's a tip jar.

Starbucks charges you an arm and a leg for a cup of coffee. If you're lucky enough to get any change back, they want you to drop it in the tip jar. Yogurt shops, hot dog stands, and even fast food restaurants all ask for tips.

Tipping should be reserved for sit-down restaurants, strippers, and cows. It's time to end all of this mindless tipping. Only YOU can make a difference.

Koko the Gorilla

Koko the Gorilla
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 9th, 2004

Woodside, Calif. - When Koko the gorilla used the American Sign Language gesture for pain and pointed to her mouth, 12 specialists, including three dentists, sprang into action.

The result? Her first full medical examination in about 20 years, an extracted tooth and a clean bill of health.

About a month ago, Koko, a 300-plus-pound ape who became famous for mastering more than 1,000 signs, began telling her handlers at the Gorilla Foundation in Woodside she was in pain. They quickly constructed a pain chart, offering Koko a scale from one to 10.

When Koko started pointing to nine or 10 too often, a dental appointment was made. And because anesthesia would be involved, her handlers used the opportunity to give Koko a head-to-toe exam.

"She's quite articulate," volunteer Johnpaul Slater said. "She'll tell us how bad she's feeling, how bad the pain is. It looked like it was time to do something."

Twelve specialists - a Stanford cardiologist, three anesthesiologists, three dentists, an ear and throat specialist, two veterinarians, a gastroenterologist and a gynecologist - volunteered to help.

The team came to Koko on Sunday, bringing portable X-ray and ultrasound machines. They set up shop at her "apartment," which looks like a remodeled box car, complete with a makeshift toilet, television, DVD player and lots of toys.

After four hours of tests - including a colonoscopy, gynecological exam, dental work, X-rays, and ultrasounds - doctors pronounced her fit.

This settles it, I'm going to buy an ape suit and learn sign language. Koko's health plan beats the hell out of my HMO.

Note to self: get a male monkey suit to avoid gynecological exam. Also, double check the zipper, don't really want the colonoscopy either.

Cell Phone Excuses

Cell Phone Excuses
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 9th, 2004

New York - Judging by cell phone calls that deliver emergency excuses, the peak time for "dates from hell" is Friday at 8 p.m.

Truth is, they're fake "rescue" calls - now being offered by two cell phone providers, Cingular Wireless and Virgin Mobile USA. In an era of Internet-set dates, it's just customer service - a hip way to wiggle out of an uncomfortable encounter.

According to a Virgin Mobil spokesman, "The rescue calls are a way to use the phone as a lifestyle accessory."

For both Cingular and Virgin Mobile, the prerecorded messages are created at a high-tech central command in California's Silicon Valley. There, five people with doctorates in linguistics dream up excuses for folks to repeat before suddenly dropping a date gone sour.

Top 5 Ways to End a Date

5. My Vet just called, he said the test results came back and it doesn't look good. I have to take my hamster to the hospital for immediate open-heart surgery.

4. Ripley's Believe It or Not just called; they want me to come down immediately. They don't believe that I was born with six testicles.

3. My friends are having a Star Wars party this weekend. I was thinking that I'd be Han Solo, and since you're naturally hairy, you could be Chewbacca.

2. Oh cool, that was the family taxidermist. He said I can pick up my deer head and badger. He said that he's still working on my brother's bear skin, and then he said he was going to mount my sister's beaver...but that's strange...I don't remember her shooting a beaver.

And the number one excuse...

1. Good news! That was my doctor from the Free Clinic, it appears that I've made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Nixon

Nixon
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 6th, 2004

Richard Nixon gives a thumbs up after announcing his resignation August 9, 1974 in the wake of the Watergate scandal which sparked a crisis in US government thirty years ago.

I don't think this Nixon's "thumbs up" face. It looks more like his "sit on it and rotate" face.

Yosemite Buck # 2

Yosemite Buck # 2
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

January 2001

This is another one of my many Yosemite pictures. There were 3 bucks in this particular group. I followed them for roughly two hours. If I recall, I burned through 4 rolls of film, but only a few of them made the cut. This is one of them.

During my most recent trip to Yosemite, I went walking late one night, must;ve been around 11pm. I had a powerful maglite with me and I could see pretty well.

I came across a buck, and then another buck, and then another one. In all, there were 15 bucks traveling together in this group. For the first time in my life, I got to watch a couple of young bucks locking horns as they sized each other up.

At one point, I was in a semi-circle of 7 bucks, they didn't seem to mind me, but I decided that it was time to head out- better safe than sorry. I took numerous pictures but unfortunately, it's rather difficult to take a decent picture when it's absolutely pitch dark outside and all you have is a standard flash. Such is life.

Half Dome

Half Dome
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

January 2001

This is one of the few scenic pictures that you'll see me take. When it comes to Yosemite, every scenic shot you can imagine is available on a post card in the souvenir shop. That's why I normally stick to wildlife, it's always original. Nonetheless, I'm proud of this one, I like how the trees frame the picture.

Yosemite Buck # 1

Yosemite Buck # 1
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

January 2001

This is another one of my Yosemite pictures. 98% of my pictures are of deer, so I'm not sure if you could call me a "wildlife photographer". Maybe I'm a "deer photographer"?

Anyway, I don't practice nearly as much as I'd like, but I keep trying. One of these days, I'm going to find the motivation to take a photography class.

Despite my lack of training, several years ago, I did submit a picture into the Alameda County Fair. Actually, my mom submitted it for me. It didn't win anything but it did receive an honorable mention. It was also one of the few pictures that sold at an opening night fund raiser. I'm kind of proud of it.

DVD Security

DVD Security
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Do me a favor. Don't treat my CDs and DVDs like they're crime scenes. The disc already comes in a plastic carrying case. One side of the case is hinged and the other side snaps shut. Wrap it in some shiny plastic and be done with it. It's not a crime scene; you don't need to put security tape on every edge.

In real life, when there's a crime scene, they run some yellow ribbon from one tree to the next. An entire murder scene is sealed off by a single strip of plastic. On the flip side, if you buy a $10 movie at Target, there are 87 layers of casing, plastic, and tape, not to mention a magnetic strip that they always forget to deactivate.

Unless you think terrorists are using DVDs to smuggle anthrax into the country, you don't need to criminally seal the damn thing. Are you trying to make them airtight in case the ship goes down? Is the Coast Guard going to sink a renegade shipment of DVDs? If I patrol the Atlantic, can I scoop up the movies with my fishing net? Granted, no matter how well you seal them, the Ben Affleck movies are going to sink, but what about the rest?

Do you think the average teenager is going to steal your Clint Eastwood westerns? Don't punish me for someone else's crime. If you want to protect your inventory, start locking up your copies of Girls Gone Wild, leave me and Clint alone.

Olympic Torch

Olympic Torch
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 5th, 2004

Athens - Greek police said that they stumbled across a cannabis plantation during the Olympic torch relay through the Island of Crete.

The plantation, covering 607 feet, was spotted at the base of a gully in the north east side of the island by a police helicopter which was carrying out an aerial surveillance of the relay.

This gives a whole new meaning to the term "runners high".

Dirty Bombs

Dirty Bombs
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
August 5th, 2004

New York - Anonymous FBI agents have confirmed that several Arabs have been arrested for possessing multiple dirty bombs. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one agent said, "The Arabs that we arrested had been under suspicion for several months but without the proper evidence, we were unable to obtain a search warrant until now."

The terrorist cell appears to be the biggest found to date in the United States. It's believed to have over 50 members locally and possibly more members overseas. Tonight's capture of 28 suspects is just the beginning. With a combination of seized intelligence combined and interrogation, FBI agents expect to locate and arrest additional members over the next few days. It's also possible that other terrorist cells will be identified and located.

"This was not a small time operation." states FBI Director Robert Mueller. "These terrorists had plenty of material for manufacturing dozens if not hundreds of bombs. We're still cataloging all of the evidence but so far, we've seized several Ben Affleck movies along with at least two DVD burners."

Movies found in the raid include Gigli, Daredevil, Reindeer Games, Jersey Girl, Pearl Harbor, and Bounce. Mueller followed up by saying, "Armed with DVD burners and wide selection of Ben Affleck films, their potential to create additional bombs was limitless. Tonight's raid was a major step in the fight against terrorism."

Smokey The Bear

Smokey The Bear
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Associated Press
August 4th, 2004

New Hampshire - A 13 year old boy attending summer camp collapsed and died after being frightened by a bear, authorities said.

Antonio Hansell and a counselor from Camp Hale came across the bear twice Tuesday afternoon on Mount Doublehead. The two ran from the bear at the first encounter. They saw the bear a second time while trying to retrieve Antonio's lost sneaker and ran again. The bear did not chase them.

When later questioned, Smokey the Bear said, "I saw the kids smoking cigarettes so I decided to scare them a little. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY smokes in MY woods. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a lunch date with Yogi and Boo boo."

Poodles

Poodles
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

After years of scientific debate and research, this single picture confirms that homosexuality exists - even in animals.

On a different note, these dogs are true A's fans. On the left, "Muffin" is sporting blonde curls in support of Eric Burns.

Meanwhile, on the right, "Fi-fi" is shouldering the larger, orange fro. She's obviously rooting for Jermaine Dye.

You can catch more of Muffin and Fi-fi on the upcoming TV show "Queer Eye for The Straight Dog".

Kangaroo Stud

Kangaroo Stud
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Single, brown, kangaroo, very male. Seeks single, female kangaroo to hop around, make kangaroo babies, and share green bushes. Hobbies include hopping, chewing on green stuff, and hopping. Age not important. Must be a kangaroo, enjoy hopping, and green stuff. Serious inquiries only.

(I can't take credit for this one; I pulled it off the internet.)

Kangaroo Kid

Child Neglect
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Am I the only one that sees a problem here? Where the hell were the parents? This is borderline child neglect. Anyone can plainly see that the red hat doesn't match the rest of the outfit. Bad parents!

As for the kangaroos, apparently you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

Catholic Car Romp

Catholic Car Romp
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
July 29th, 2004

A court has convicted a Catholic priest and a nun of disorderly conduct after they were caught engaged in a sexual act in a parked car with tinted windows. Officials in the Roman Catholic Church, whose priests are barred from sex or marriage, declined to comment.

Hmm...this is such an easy target, I'm not even sure it's worth my time. However, a few things do come to mind, so here goes...

First of all, I'm guessing that the Catholic Church declined to comment because they where caught off guard. I mean, I Catholic Priest sleeping with a woman? What happened to the strategy of bring little boys "into the fold"? Quite frankly, this incident is a step up for the Catholic Church. I wouldn't be surprised if they started using these two sinners to promote Priest & Nun relationships. ANYTHING is better than the buffet of little boys they've been snacking on.

Second, how in the world can I pass up an opportunity to drop in my favorite Michael Jackson joke? I apologize to those of you that have already heard it, but this is a window of opportunity that I must jump on - sort of like Kobe on a white chick. So, did you hear that the Pope called Michael Jackson? He told Michael that if he touched one more child, the Pope would have to ordain him. Oh, that's low. That's a double slam! I nailed Michael AND the Catholic Church on that one. 2 points for Jason!

Ok, this brings me to my third thought- another joke. When you couple this religious tidbit with the fact that it's Friday, the timing for my next (cheesy) joke couldn't be better. So...do you know what kind of meat the Pope eats on Good Friday? Nun. Get it! Nun! The Catholics don't eat meat on Good Friday! Nun- the other, other white meat. I have to give props to my dad for that one; I think he told me this joke when I was about 15 years old. It's amazing, I don't remember anything constructive he ever told me, but I remember his jokes. I take it back; he did give me some advice that meant quite a lot to me. To this very day, because of my dad, I never date girls named Larry.

I guess I'll end by saying that I'm somewhat surprised that this story made news in the first place. Seriously, a scandal involving the Catholic Church, it's like a car alarm that goes off every day, pretty soon, you don't pay attention anymore.

Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
July 29th, 2004

Bill Cosby defended his controversial comments on blacks, adding that the music industry is "glorifying the wrong things" as he spoke about parenting and children at a college conference.

Cosby, 67, made headlines in May when he criticized some blacks for their grammar and accused them of squandering opportunities the civil rights movement gave them. Then earlier this month, Cosby said blacks should not blame whites for their problems and urged them to re-examine their own lives.

He said the music industry glorifies music that demeans women, praises life in jail and uses profanity. He said college educators should prepare students to help poor blacks from backgrounds of violence and single-mother households.

Instead of joining the Peace Corps and going to Africa, "go across the street into the projects. These are people who need to see another picture, a brighter picture," he said.

He concluded his speech by saying, "Yo! Yo! Yo! I'll catch you suckas on the flip side, there's a cop in Oak Town that ain't givin me my props, I'm gonna pop a cap in his ass and shizzle his nizzle. Word!"

Toys For Tots

Toys For Tots
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
July 28th, 2004

Houston - Michael Jackson signed autographs for surprised shoppers as he bought toys and stuffed animals at a Houston mall.

Jackson was in Houston "on business, and just decided to drop by the mall," spokeswoman Raymone Bain told The Associated Press. After his shopping spree for toys and teddy bears, he left town.

Jackson is charged in Santa Maria, Calif., with committing a lewd act upon a child, administering an intoxicating agent, and conspiring to commit child abduction.

Um...Michael? You DO realize that you're currently charged with molesting a child..right? I'm just thinking...and correct me if I'm wrong...but this might not be the best time to shop for toys and teddy bears.

Do you remember when the Fish and Game department nailed me for shooting a bear out of season? After I was released on bail, you didn't see me at the farmer's market buying honey did you?

Anyway, I've gotta run, I'm going deer hunting next week and Wal-mart is having a sale on spotlights.

Olympic Sex Games

Olympic Sex Games
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
July 28th, 2004

Athens - Athletes at next month's Athens Olympics are expected to go for gold in the bedroom as well as on the field, with 130,000 free condoms being made available throughout the Games.

Condom manufacturer Durex has donated the prophylactics as well as 30,000 sachets of lubricant for the August 13-29 Olympics, "to smooth the performance of the world's elite sports people in the arena and under the covers," it said in a statement.

In the Sydney 2000 Games, each competing athlete was given 51 condoms on arrival at the Olympic Village, but another 20,000 had to be shipped in when supplies began to run low.

Please note, these numbers are somewhat inflated since the Triple Jump Team used them at a 3:1 ratio.

Something is wrong here. Olympians are going to burn through 130,000 condoms and instead of testing them for STDs, you're testing them for steroids? Huh?

Fishin Ain't So Bad

Fishin Ain't So Bad
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

For all you animal lovers.... click here.

(You need sound to appreciate this one.)

Dogs Playing Poker

Dogs Playing Poker
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

This is probably the funniest thing I've ever found on the internet. After the file finishes loading, you'll need to click where it says, "Play Movie". If you don't have sound AND a high speed connection, don't even bother.

Enjoy........Poker Night (Click to launch)

Ostrich

Ostrich
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

I'm reading a book of short stories and as background for a particular story, it gives the stats of how many people die each year at the hands of certain animals. It includes statistics on the number of deaths caused by lions, tigers, and bears- oh my! They claim that worldwide, there have been at least 8 recorded cases in which someone was killed by an Ostrich. Apparently, the Ostrich has extremely powerful legs and in fact, they can literally kick someone to death.

Now, I'd like to believe that when we reach the after life, we'll all be considered equal. Unlike high school, there won't be any jocks, geeks, brains, nerds, loners, stoners, etc. However, when a person admits he was killed by an Ostrich, he's still going to be labeled a "geek"- even in heaven.

I wonder, when you arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter records your entry, is the paperwork anything like a coroner's report? Does he have a list of 8 million causes for death? Is "Ostrich" one of the options?

Picture this; you're in a long line waiting to get into heaven. One at a time, each person steps up and St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven, how did you die?" You hear responses like, "Bear attack.", or "Gun shot wound.", or "Car wreck.". When your turn comes, you announce, "An Ostrich kicked me." St. Peter looks at you with a raised eyebrow and asks, "Then what happened?" You say, "That's it. That's all. I was at the zoo feeding an Ostrich. When I ran out of food, it kicked me and I died." In disbelief, St. Peter asks, You're kidding...right?" With your head hung low and your tail tucked between your legs, in a barely audible voice, you admit "It's true."

So, St. Peter looks at his list, but he can't find a listing for "Ostrich". He explains that he rarely has to do this, but he'll have to put you down as "Other". He then hands you a t-shirt. He instructs you to put the shirt on and sit in the corner. In the corner, you view a couple of other real "winners". You ask St. Peter why the others are there. He explains that the man sitting there is an Eskimo. "Yesterday morning, he stepped out of his igloo to get the newspaper. He tripped over a baby seal that was sleeping on his door step. When he fell, he hit his head on a block of ice and died instantly (apparently the Eskimo was planning to add another room onto his igloo and hence, the spare block of ice). Cause of Death...Baby Seal."

St Peter then explains that "The woman sitting there is was one of those crazy cat ladies. You know the kind that I'm talking about. There's one in every neighborhood. She's the one that has a minimum of 8 cats on her doorstep at all times. 6 cats sitting in the yard and a couple on the fences. That doesn't include the dozen cats that are inside crapping all over the place. Her front yard is overgrown with weeds and the grass hasn't been mowed in twelve years. Anyway, the other night, in the middle of her sleep, she suddenly woke up choking. Cause of Death...Hair Ball."

After hearing all of this, you hang your head even lower and you walk over to join your new buddies. These will be your new friends for eternity, after all, who wants to hang out with someone that was killed by an Ostrich? You unfold your shirt and start to put it on. The front of the shirt says, "I was literally too stupid to live." On the back, it says, "Survival of the fittest: I was thinned from the herd."

To top things off, your name happens to be Oscar. Needless to say, you quickly adopt the nickname of Oscar the Ostrich (and every other conceivable combination).

Oh, and good luck meeting any cute girls. What's your pickup line going to be? "Hi, it's nice to meet you, my name is Oscar. I was killed by a big bird that can't fly."

Anyway, to make a long story short, if I'm ever killed by an Ostrich, hear me now and believe me later, I'm going to lie about it. In fact, I'm going to lie my ass off. I don't care if God strikes me down. I don't care if I get labeled as the "town liar". I'm telling people that I was killed by a bear. Or perhaps I was hit by a bus. Or, maybe I was hit by a bear that was driving a bus. But for the love of God, I'm NOT telling anyone that I was killed by a damn Ostrich!

Chicken Abuse

Chicken Abuse
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
July 26th, 2004

Fort Worth, Texas - The man who secretly videotaped chickens stomped and thrown at a Pilgrim's Pride plant in West Virginia said some of the worst abuses occurred when employees purposely destroyed birds to avoid working overtime.

"The immediate supervisor was definitely aware of it," said the investigator with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "He would come in once or twice a day and witness birds being slammed against the wall."

Pilgrim's Pride said it fired 11 employees at its Moorefield, W.Va., plant, including a superintendent, a supervisor, a foreman and eight hourly workers as a result of an internal investigation of alleged animal welfare violations.

The PETA member said he saw abuses from his first day on the job in October 2003, then began videotaping about a week later. He used a small camera hidden in an area where live chickens are transferred from trucks to conveyor belts, then hung by their feet before being slaughtered. He taped mistreatment of chickens on numerous occasions until leaving the plant in May, he said.

The heaviest abuses occurred on days when unusually large shipments of birds arrived from contract growers.

"Neither the workers nor the supervisor wanted to work overtime, so they'd throw a number of chickens against the wall," the PETA member said.

"The immediate supervisor would often say 'Cease-fire' or 'Hold your fire' before entering the hanging pen", the PETA member said, "so he would not be hit by live chickens. When he left, he'd say, 'Carry on.'"

Tell me if I'm reading this right. You're NOT allowed to kick the birds or throw them against the wall, but you ARE allowed to cut their heads off and eat them. Ok, sounds good, thanks for clarifying. The next time PETA writes me a ticket for kicking the neighbor's dog, I'll offer to eat him instead.

Lance for President

Lance for President
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Let me ask you, what do you look for in a President? Do you want a strong leader? Do you prefer a war hero? Would you like to hear the State of The Union Address without needing an "English to Bush" dictionary?

Heroic leaders are fine, but if you want the real deal, look no further, Lance Armstrong is your man. I've taken it upon myself to start the un-official "Lance for President" campaign and here's why...

Lance just won a RECORD sixth Tour de France. Let me say that again, six, six, six. If he wins anymore, they'll have to change the name to "Tour de Lance". Seriously, can you think of anything better than beating the French at their own race? Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist, but to quote Nigel Powers, "There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures......and the French."

Sure, France gave us the Statue of Liberty and French fries, but what have they done for us lately? Oh, that's right; they stood against us when we pushed for military action against Iraq. I guess they forgot how the U.S. liberated France from Germany in WWII. You're welcome.

If Lance had been in office when it came time to invade Iraq, Lance wouldn't have tap danced around the tulips. He would have stood up in front of 270 million Americans and said, "I've decided that military action against Iraq is the best course of action- if for no other reason than to piss off the French." Admit it, American's would have cheered! We would have stood behind him united all the way. Freedom fries would have been an everlasting name change.

But wait! You're thinking, "What about all the steroid allegations that are circling around Lance?" First of all, they're still just allegations. Just because a trailer park redneck goes on the Ricky Lake show and claims that his wife is sleeping with both his brother and his father, that doesn't make it true (unless he's from Alabama and then it's a given). Don't believe everything you hear. Besides, in the end, if it's proven that Lance did do steroids, that would simply strengthen my argument. I'd just assume have a leader that was so smart, he was able to do steroids and still pass his urine tests during the peak of his career. Would you rather have someone that was dumb enough to get caught? I don't think so. I wonder, is it too late to pick Barry Bonds as a running mate?

In closing, I'd just like to summarize why you should vote for Lance. First, he's a cancer survivor that has won the Tour de France a record 6 times. Second, he's a borderline genius- he continues to pass urine tests without studying. Third, the French already hate him. How cool would it be for the President of the United States to win the Tour de France next year? That would give us bragging rights over France for years to come. And finally, the number one reason to vote for Lance? He's dating Sheryl Crow- one of the hottest 40 year olds on the planet. My hat goes off to you Lance- you've got my vote.

Military Healthcare

Military Healthcare
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

Reuters
July 22nd, 2004

If you're a member of the armed forces, or if you're a family member of someone in the armed forces, you're eligible for free plastic surgery on the taxpayers' dime. That's right, members of all four branches of the U.S. military can get face-lifts, breast enlargements, liposuction and nose jobs for free.

Another related factoid, San Francisco now foots the bill for city employees to have sex changes. (This is true, I'm not making it up.)

So, here's where we stand. With a struggling economy, with health care costs rising beyond belief, boob jobs and sex changes are now paid for. However, if you're dependent on a medically necessary prescription, you can still pay upwards of $50 a pop.

What's that you say? You want laser surgery so that you won't need contacts every day for the rest of your life? Sorry, that's not covered- unless of course you choose to have a sex change, in which case I can do your eyes at the same time, after all, you shouldn't have to wear glasses when trying to look like a sexy young woman.

By this logic, if a woman was has a naturally LARGE chest, and in fact, her chest is so large that it causes back problems, a breast reduction wouldn't be covered by medical insurance. However, if she decides to go in the opposite direction, she can have her already LARGE chest made EVEN LARGER and the government would pay for it.

I wonder, when this same woman signs up for the enlargement procedure, would she be able to register her new porn star alias at the same time? Social Security and DMV could simultaneously issue new IDs; she'd probably receive them before she fully recovered.

I guess the moral of the story is that I'm quite glad to hear that schools are being eliminated so that more money can be spent on turning Thomas into Thomasina. After all, it's not like children represent our future or anything. If kids can go home to Jerry Springer reruns, who needs after school programs?

Bush-ism # 1

Bush-ism # 1
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

NBC News
July 20th, 2004

Washington - The final report of the commission investigating the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks will not conclude definitively that the terrorist strike could have been prevented, but it is clear that U.S. officials missed a series of opportunities to stop some of the hijackers, disrupt the plot and perhaps save lives.

In a related story, George Bush credited American ingenuity as the key to thwarting the 9/11 attacks. He was quoted as saying, "Our engineering, our buildings, they stopped them planes in mid-air. Just think how far them terrorists would have gotten if our buildings didn't stop them. I mean, they could have gone as far as Texas.....if it weren't for them buildings."

We're # 1

We're #1
Originally uploaded by mryosemite.

There was a commercial on the radio, it advertised classes for overcoming dyslexia. And what was their main selling point? I quote, "Dyslexia is the number one cause of reading and spelling problems."

Really? Are you sure about that? This isn't just another one of those "We're #1" statements that can't really be proven...is it? Because, quite frankly, when it comes to reading difficulties, my gut instinct tells me that blindness beats the hell out of dyslexia - but I could be wrong.

Please note: For those of you that prefer PC terminology, please substitute "blind people" with "visually challenged".

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go feed my god.